Wednesday, November 24, 2010

I tried to live without you, but tears fell from my eyes - eight


What was he doing here?


"I wanted to see how you were."

"I'm fine. You can leave now."

"No." He said putting his hand on the door. "I'm not leaving just yet."


We ended up walking into the kitchen cause it was cold outside. I made us both hot chocolate and we sat at the kitchen table. It was dead quiet, but even in the dim light, Taylor's eyes shined like a million little stars. I could not keep up with my heart.

"Ally, I wish you would tell me what's going on. I can tell you want to let someone in, but something is stopping you. What is it?"

"I've had a lot happen to me, stuff that makes me push everything away."

"Like what?"

"It's none of your business!" I snapped as a few tears blinded my eyes.

I felt my heart pounding harder and I got out my chair and stormed up to my room. I could feel Taylor following me. I slammed my bedroom door shut and started to cry. I couldn't hold it in. All this was too much. It was taking me back to somewhere I didn't want to be. My past.

"Fine. I'm going to sit outside your door until you tell me."


I took a few steps back from the door and headed into my bed. I wanted to see if he was joking or not. The hall light was still on as I tried to sleep. I ended up staring at my ceiling for a lifetime. What if I let him in? I've never had someone beg to be in my life so much like he did. Maybe he was right. Maybe that one wall needs to come crashing down.

After a few deep breaths, I headed over to my door. I slowly opened it up and I felt more tears. Taylor was still here. He sat against the wall beside my door.

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

He gets off the floor in seconds and is right in front of me. My breath comes to a halt as he touches the side of my face. I take a step back and we're both in my room. I flick on my lamp as he shuts the door.

"Don't be sorry. You'll tell me soon enough."

"No. I want to tell you now."

He nods and I lead him over to my bed. I sat down first and took a couple breaths. Taylor grabbed my hand and I held on with all my might.

"Well, it has to do with my mom." I started. "She grew really depressed and everything and wanted nothing to do with me. So that's when my dad sent me to Edmonton to live with my Grandparents while my mom got help."

"And did she?"

"No. She committed suicide."

"Oh, Ally. That's horrible. I'm sorry I pestered you so much about it." He said as he pulled me into a hug.

I began to sob hysterically into his chest as he pulled me tighter. It was therapeutic the way I let it all out. It was all out in the open. Taylor didn't run when I told him, something I thought he would've done, but he didn't.

"How are you holding up though?"

"I have my days where I really miss her, but, it's sad to say this, but, when I don't think about her -- it feels like she's still here. I went years without seeing her, so I just sometimes have this wild hope, she'll show up at my door, all healthy. But I know it's not gunna happen."

"Ally, that's terrible. I'm so sorry. You know I'm here for you."

"Thank you so much. You have no idea how good I feel right now."

I turned my head towards him and his ocean like eyes are peering through me. Before I knew it, his lips were grazing mine. I felt all my body heat rush to my head and I couldn't breathe. It was a short, yet lingering kiss. I pulled away and he kissed my forehead as I caught my breath.

That was the best kiss I ever had.

"I should probably go then. Know that I know you're alright."

"No, stay. My dad won't care."

He smiles and we both crawled into my bed. My head landed on his chest as I listened to his heart jump through his shirt. Our hands were clasped together and my skin was tingling like crazy. My eyelids felt heavy as I closed them. Then I fell into a perfect sleep where no nightmares swarmed me for once.

Friday, November 5, 2010

you paint me a blue sky and go back and turn it to rain - seven

I know it's short, but it will have to do for now :)

 The spits ended up winning the game 4-2 and it was a good start to the season. Taylor got a goal and two assists, and Kenny got a helper on Adam Henrique's goal. Though my head was still spinning, I tried my best to ignore that. It was beyond hard. Taylor. Kenny. Taylor. Kenny. Rather, rinse, repeat.

I walked into the lobby of the Arena and was getting ready to leave when my phone buzzed. It was Kenny.

"Hey, hope you're not going home yet, I wanna see you."

"Well, I was gunna go home and sleep unless you have something better in mind."

"Well, I don't know if my billet family would want me having people over."

"You can come over to my house for a bit, my dad's pretty laid back."

"Okay, be out in 10 minutes :)"

He never showed up.

I didn't get it.

I left the arena and walked over to my car. I felt some tears stinging my eyes and I let them fall cause no one was around me. Or so I thought.


I turned on my heel and saw that same old blond haired blue eyed boy standing on the curb. He was always standing on the corner for me. Taylor. I put my head down as he started to walk closer, counting his footsteps before he was right in front of me.

"Why are you still here?"

"Cause Kenny told me he was going to meet me out here, but he never showed up."

"He ... he stood you up?"

"It appears that way," I muttered as I looked at my feet.

"Hey," Taylor whispered as he lifted my chin up, then moved his hand to the side of my face, "you don't deserve that."

His blue eyes peered through me as I let out a shaky breath, "Then what do I deserve?"

"To be happy.  Everyone does."

"I have to go."

I abruptly moved his hand from me and got into my car. I kept seeing his face in my mind as I drove away. I moved my rear view mirror so I wouldn't have the urge to look at him. I'm so stupid. I've should've known to not let anyone in. It just never works. That's why I have to push Taylor away, in case he hurts me.

I trudged into the house and my dad was asleep in front of the TV. I turned the TV off and put a blanket over him. My room was freezing as I walked inside of it. I threw on some pj pants and a blackhawks long sleeve shirt. As I got into bed, I got a text from Kenny.

"I'm really sorry I blew you off."

"You have no excuse?"

"I got sidetracked with some of the guys and when I got home, I checked my phone and felt horrible."

"We'll talk about this later. I don't know what to believe anymore."

I threw my phone on the floor and tried to get to sleep. But I could not get Taylor out of my mind. How the pavement glowed as he stood there. I recalled the smell of the rain, it was still in my lungs. The way his eyes shined against the streetlights. It was like a firework show and I was captivated. Everything about it was keeping me awake.

A little while later, there was a light knock on my door. The hallway light crept into my room and I squinted my eyes. It was my father.

"Ally, there's someone here to see you."

I slowly got myself out of bed and walked down towards the front door. There stood those faded blue jean shaded eyes looking right into my heart.